Spurious News: Trump solves problem of dams interfering with Columbia River salmon runs
MATTAWA, WASH (Spurious News Network) -- In December 2023, President Joe Biden negotiated an agreement with the States of Washington and Oregon and four Northwest Native American tribes that was designed to increase salmon migration along the historic Columbia River. At the time the pact was seen as a landmark agreement that would improve the Pacific Ocean salmon population while ensuring continued production of clean hydroelectric power.
Naturally, King Donald Trump could not allow this treaty to stand.
"I have ordered the United States Fish and Wildlife Service to release 100,000 grizzly bears along the banks of the Columbia River," said King Donald in a televised address to the nation. "The bears will eat all the migrating salmon and end the problem once and for all."
Environmentalists, business owners and Native American leaders were simultaneously confused and outraged.
"This isn't possible," said Chief J. Allan, chairman of Idaho's Coeur d'Alene Tribe. "Even if you were to capture every grizzly bear in the world and bring them to the Columbia Basin, you'd only have 55,000 animals. Since 50,000 of them live in Alaska and are acclimatized to the weather there, most of them would die from the heat."
"So. extinction of a critical species is Trump's big idea?" asked Francine Woodward, CEO of the Columbia River Project. "Salmon are a primary food source to larger predators in the oceans. Removing salmon from the food chain will cause unprecedented dieoff in the Pacific."
"Does Trump know anything about anything?" asked Susan Westwood, spokesperson for the Northwest Dairy Association. "There's only one salmon run per year, at least until the bears eat them all. Grizzly bears need to eat every day, and if they can't take fish they'll go after our cattle. Once they've eaten all the cattle in the Northwest they'll start attacking people. And where, exactly, is he going to get that many bears?"
"Apparently he's never seen the Columbia River," said Mattawa Mayor Maria Celaya. "It's over a half-mile wide at Mattawa, and deep enough for commercial ship traffic. Even if he could find the bears he needs and they didn't eat every other animal in the Columbia Basin, they can't fish the whole river."
King Donald says the bears are only a temporary measure. "Once the bears have eaten all those damned salmon and we've replaced all the dams with beautiful coal fired power plants, I'll fire them and they can go get real jobs."
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