Spurious News: Details of new Trump Phone Service unveiled
MENLO PARK, NJ (Spurious News Network) -- At a press conference today King Donald Trump unveiled the details of his highly anticipated new product, the Trump Phone.
"We're standing here in the famous laboratory where Thomas Edison, a great American but not as great as me, invented the first telephone to announce the greatest new telephone, the Trump Phone. The Trump Phone will Make Talking Great Again!"
King Donald held up the new Trump phone, which was a regular phone spray-painted gold. "This wonderful rotary dial landline phone is all any real American will ever need. You can call your mother to tell her you love her. You can call the Trump Foundation to give me money or buy my coins, and you can call (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) to report an illegal Mexican you saw walking down the street. It works only on party lines, which brought American neighborhoods together decades ago and will do so again. What else would you ever need a phone for?"
More appealing to King Donald is what the phones can't be used for. "No one can text and drive on a Trump Phone. No one can watch videos telling them to eat Tide Pods. And no one can go on any of those communist websites like the terrrible ones the Democrats set up."
When asked if the phones were really American-made, King Donald responded in the affirmative. "My son Barron discovered a warehouse in Brooklyn where millions of American-made Western Electric phones were stored. We bought them all for a great price, painted them gold like they should be, and they're ready to go back into service."
Frank Johnson, an engineer for AT&T, shook his head at the announcement. "Alexander Graham Bell, who worked in Boston, invented the telephone. Edison invented a lot of things, some of which found themselves into telephones, but not the phone itself. But setting minor semantics aside, modern phone company switchgear isn't set up to handle either party lines or rotary dial so these phones won't work in the first place. But...hey, it's Trump. What do you expect?"
Fern Marcos, a resident of Jane Lew, West Virginia, who voted for King Donald in every election he's been in, is excited. "I didn't realize I wanted a rotary dial phone or to have all my neighbors listen to my phone calls, but if my president says I need that, I do."