Kash Patel Calls For Public's Help Using Computer

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Published: July 14, 2026

SATIRE

WASHINGTON—Urging anyone with knowledge of the electronic device to come forward, FBI Director Kash Patel issued a statement Tuesday asking for the public’s help using the computer. “If any Americans have information related to the operation of a Lenovo laptop running Windows—at least I think it’s Windows, anyway—we encourage them to very slowly talk me through it by reaching out to our tip line at 1-800-CALL-FBI,” said Patel, adding that the agency was offering a reward of up to $40,000 for anyone who provided a tip leading to his ability to reset the password to his official government email. “We have the FBI’s top IT guys trying to show me how to send a PDF to the office printer, but they can’t do it alone.

The clock is ticking on dozens of critical emails I have no idea how to send and important remote meetings I have no idea how to join. Anyone who can offer their assistance in figuring out how to connect my computer to a pair of Bluetooth headphones would be doing a great service to their nation.” At press time, Patel had issued a second statement asking for the public’s help in accessing messages left on the FBI tip line.

https://theonion.com/kash-patel-calls-for-publics-help-using-computer/

SATIRE- AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY

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1. Funny, if sadly true.