Am I wrong here?

[bif]

Let me start off by saying I've been sober for 6 1/2 years with no relapses. I'm sober thanks to an intervention my wife and two daughters arranged. These days, when I go to parties, I still feel awkward being the only one not drinking. So here's the latest:

Yesterday we went to my wife's brother's house to celebrate Greek Easter. I was pretty much the only sober one there. We got there at 2:30 and around 7 I was getting a little antsy about leaving. But I bit my tongue and hung in there. About 8 I started giving her the look, saying, "Lets get out of here." Finally around 8:30 we left. I got the silent treatment all the way home. She stormed out of the home and went for a walk and I went up to read before hitting the hay. (We sleep in separate rooms). She finally went to bed around 11:30. This morning she's still pissed and I explained to her that she has no idea how hard it is not drinking around a bunch of drinkers. No one can know what it's like being sober in those kinds of situations. I even said I'm sorry, even thought I don't think I should feel guilty for my actions.

Am I wrong?

[SheltieLover]

1. Nope, you are not wrong.

Imho, you should never be put in such a situation, let alone get an attitude when you need to leave after hours of torture.

Think of it this way, Bif: you are the only one at the gathering not destroying their liver!

Kudos to you!!!

[KarenS]

2. You were taking care of you,,,,

Which is exactly what you need to do in a situation such as this.

[Butterflylady]

3. No....

I have a daughter of who is recovering addict. She can't be around other addicts because she knows what will happen. She will be clean almost 5 yrs now.

[Timewas]

4. I would think

That since she and daughters arranged and intervention she would be more aware of the problems involved in hanging around people drinking. The next time there is an event that requires you and your wife to attend that involves alcohol you might want to set up some time frames between you as to how long you are willing to deal with it...

Personally I have 41 years sober and still will not hang around long at parties and other events that involve alcohol....Cannot stand being around drunk people.

[niyad]

5. You absolutely should NOT feel guilty about your actions. I know from

friends how difficult it can be to be around drinkers when one no longer drinks. One would think that your wife would understand this, especially if she arranged the intervention.

You should be proud of yourself for staying strong.

[58Sunliner]

6. You lasted longer than I would have. I don't think you are wrong.

Those situations should be negotiated ahead of time, perhaps, so you both have an agreed upon boundary of when to leave. Family dynamics and booze, ugh.

[Amaryllis]

11. THIS!!! Negotiate ahead of time.

[stillcool]

7. it's like going skiing with a broken leg

you hang out by yourself at the top of the slope, for hours.

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

8. No

and next time either take two cars (if you can) or call a cab or Uber or whatever and leave when you start feeling uncomfortable. When you are sober, it's not fun when everyone else is starting to show signs of intoxication. They get loud, sloppy and well, you know...

[RockCreek]

9. If at all possible

You should have seaparate ways of leaving.
A glass of seltzer with lemon or grape juice that never goes below full can help with awkwardness in some situstions. But I suspect you are already all over that.

[RainCaster]

10. No, you're not wrong

Yesterday I went to a baby shower for my nephew & wife- held at a microbrewery. Of course they had plenty of non-alcoholic drink for the kids and those who don't drink beer. Conveniently, I had another obligation 2 hours later, so we didn't stay very long.

It sounds to me like your wife is not very supportive of your sobriety, which is unfortunate. Taking separate cars, or leaving early via Uber are ideas you might want to consider.

[Clouds Passing]

13. No you are not wrong, drunk people cannot possibly be rational.

[bif]

14. Thanks for all the support here.

On Sunday morning I told her that she can't imagine how hard it can be to hang around a bunch of people who are drinking for a long period of time. I apologized. And what do I get for that? She basically hasn't said a word to me since Saturday evening. The ol' silent treatment.

[j.preston]

15. So, so many threads...

Hi, Bif. I'm glad to hear you are staying true to yourself and remain sober. I have worked in the mental health/AOD field as a Social Worker and PA - many people placed in the circumstances you faced on Saturday would not be able to attend or stay. Many have conveyed to me the difficulties that are inherent in staying sober day-to-day, minute-to-minute under the BEST of scenarios. Typical social situations are fraught with landmines but adding heavy alcohol or other drug use into them...Yikes! I glanced over several of the replies to your original posting but not all, so I'm sorry if I missed some of the information. But, I must agree with those respondents that have said - No, you are NOT wrong. Your feelings about staying sober in response to what is happening around you are VALID and IMPORTANT. The most important, if you are to remain sober.

There are lots of loose ends for those in recovery as well as those in their orbit. Old and new triggers and resentments - suppressed feelings because of those can boil over without an apparent catalyst. I liked what several respondents recommended - having a game plan going into social situations can be of use indeed. As I said, I didn't read all of the posts and - even if I had - they may not contain all of the "bits and bobs" of your story. There are so, so many threads that contribute to the multi-color ball of yarn that is addiction and that ball is often HUGE. This is also true for those in your orbit.

There are numerous potential IEDs in the field for you and yours. You may not even KNOW all of yours, let alone theirs. My best suggestion is that you have someone who can help you process and navigate through all of this. A counselor, AA/sponsor, pastor/priest/spiritual advisor - someone who is not in the thick of it with you and yours so that objectivity can be a guide. Virtual meetings and counseling is more readily available than ever, so you have access wherever you are. However, if those people in your immediate orbit have issues to process, they need to participate, too. With you or alone. YOU alone cannot possibly have to be responsible for EVERYONE'S happiness. People around you have to own their stuff, too. You cannot be held responsible for someone's expectations/beliefs/wants/wishes if you don't know what they are.

I can tell you one thing for sure - AOD related or not - the silent treatment does not work in the end. Taking time to cool off - yeah, you bet. Being silent for hours/days - NOPE. I had/have several relatives who have struggled with alcohol/other drugs and I have worked with enough people (since 1992) to have seen folks make or break relationships, no matter what they do. But silence - this is 99.9999% a surefire way to get nowhere fast.

I wish you and yours peace.

[bif]

16. Thank you for your response.

Actually I do SMART recovery meetings. So I get a great deal of support and help from the group. And my wife is very understanding. In this case, she loves getting together with her family, which doesn't happen very often. She loves talking to everyone, especially the nieces and nephews from out of town. But we probably should have decided beforehand how long we were going to stay.

Anyway, late this afternoon she asked me if I'd pick up some pizza for her and her Mah Jong group which broke the silence. We've back to talking again. All is good.